“Justify” – an older writing from 2013

7/15/2013

I have noticed not for the first time by the way. A tremendous amount of resistance with many things in my life right now. As usual this uncomfortable feeling usually occurs when something is going on, like quitting a vice, going to court, or even  conflict with a co worker, basically anything that is going to change or restrict my life, my comfortable place.

Resistance Psychology A process in which the ego opposes the conscious recall of anxiety-producing experiences.

This sounds like my ego not wanting to let go of hanging onto an idea or Ideal a conception of something in its perfection.

Creating anxiety where there is opposition from another point of view.or someone else’s agenda opposing my own agenda making the second point of the definition anxiety producing. The ideal agenda I believe that is right for me and my life that is not happening at the moment.

This is saying that my resistance to things happening is in fact the culprit of anxiety in my life. There is no longer a question of where anxiety comes from for me, but now what do I do with this knowing. Do I give in or do I let go, or do I do both?  None of these options feel good. When I have heard let it go in the past it seems so conceptual like people are regurgitating something they heard from somewhere else. I think now what to do is more like what to be, not as an agenda or an avoidance but more of an acknowledgement of “Here I am”. I realize the resistance is deeply rooted in my beliefs such as what’s right and wrong good and bad or my interpretation. There could be resistance in a cover up like I have done something wrong and I usually justify my way around it. Which is in itself another judgement of the same good, bad, right or wrong. However when I do justify my position of where I’m at I do know there is no possibility to accept where I am at in this moment here it becomes  an avoidance that will only keep the feelings and circumstances in place as I try to talk my way around it as if I’m dulling the edges of a sharp instrument so it’s less painful or less sharp. This justification is in a way me turning my head as it’s speaking to me so that I can not fully listen with both ears and my heart. It is my justification that is the resistance of what is really going on and it is my judgement that keep it in place. Acceptance to what is going on is the only way through what I am feeling or to what is going on in my life, not to be confused with acceptance of what is wrong with me as a judgement more of “here I am, give it to me” what can I learn here and “Now what’! It was all just a happening in this experience I call my life.

I can do this!!!